I need to learn to meditate. Seriously. I'm in an absolute, frenzied panic right now, and my mind is moving about a million miles a minute, but the rest of me is at a standstill, in figurative quicksand, completely confused as to what the hell I'm supposed to do. My first stupid post is feeling incredibly relevant right now. I want a do-over. omfg I need to learn to sit with all the anxiety and the energy and then let it go. An impossible task. Woe is me.
Usually my anxiety comes from overly internalized issues. I inadvertently bring it upon myself. I know this, and that's why the never-ending battle is so incredibly frustrating. Today, though, I feel like I'm being railroaded by a shit-ton of external crap. I can't decide which kind of anxiety is worse: the obsessive-compulsive meaningless anxiety that gives a semblance of structure to an otherwise shapeless life, or other people's bullshit. The essence of my issues revolve around a desperation for control and shape and meaning; I have absolutely NO control over other people's goddamn bullshit. And I have absolutely no tolerance for it, or for them. I guess that's why I find myself perpetually alone.
NOTE: All issues regarding others' and their bullshit have since been mostly resolved. Those anxieties are temporary, however intensely upsetting they may feel at the time at which they strike. Back to the internal bullshit that perpetually gnaws at me from the inside out. Still don't know which is worse.
ReplyDelete"The foundation of all mental illness is the avoidance of true suffering."
- Carl Jung.
Huh. Can't allow myself to agree with that idea in its entirety - too painful and self-effacing - but it does make some sense; definitely provokes thought.